They're not naughty, they're hurting

Foster children often come with deep emotional wounds, and their behaviours are usually a reflection of the pain, trauma, and instability they have experienced in their lives, rather than an indication of “bad” behaviour. Understanding that a child’s actions are rooted in their past struggles can help foster parents approach difficult moments with empathy and compassion.

When foster children act out, it’s not because they’re “naughty” or rebellious; they’re often trying to cope with overwhelming emotions like fear, anxiety, grief, and confusion. These children have faced situations where their safety, stability, and trust in others have been shattered. They may not know how to express their feelings in a healthy way or may not even trust that the adults around them will protect them or stay in their lives.

Here are a few key points to remember when dealing with challenging behaviours in foster children:

1.Trauma-Informed Parenting

Many foster children have experienced trauma, which can manifest in behaviours like withdrawal, aggression, or defiance. By understanding trauma and how it affects a child’s brain development and emotional regulation, foster carers can respond more effectively. Trauma-informed parenting emphasizes patience, understanding, and creating a safe environment where the child feels heard and supported.

2. Behaviour Is a Form of Communication

Children who have been through trauma may not have the tools to express their emotions in a healthy way. Acting out or withdrawing can be a child’s way of communicating that they feel unsafe, scared, or out of control. Recognising this can help foster carers respond with care and without judgment.

3. Consistency and Boundaries

While foster children may struggle with trusting others and feel unsettled by the lack of control in their lives, maintaining a stable, predictable routine can help them feel more secure. Having clear, loving boundaries is important, but they should be implemented with empathy, giving the child the space to process their emotions in a healthy way.

4. Building Trust Takes Time

Trust doesn’t happen overnight, especially for children who have experienced multiple disruptions. Foster children may initially push boundaries or challenge authority as they test whether or not their new caregivers can be trusted to stay. It’s important to be patient, show consistency, and avoid taking their behaviours personally. Over time, this consistent care will help them build trust.

5. Healing Is a Process

Healing from trauma is a long-term process. Foster children may not “bounce back” right away or ever completely forget their painful past experiences, but with love, support, and care, they can begin to heal. Foster carers can play a key role in helping the child process their feelings, but it’s important to be realistic and recognise that some behaviours may persist as the child works through their emotional wounds.

6. Seeking Professional Support

Sometimes, foster children need additional support from counsellors, therapists, or other professionals trained in trauma. Therapy can be essential in helping them understand and process their experiences. Foster carers should not hesitate to seek out these resources and make use of the support available.

Ultimately, it’s crucial to see the child as a whole person who needs love, care, and understanding—not just someone with difficult behaviours. Recognising that they are hurting can make all the difference in how foster parents approach challenges. It also encourages a more compassionate, patient, and loving response, which helps the child feel more secure and supported as they heal.