When a Foster Child’s Behaviour Is Hard to Handle: What Actually Helps

Ask someone thinking about fostering what worries them most and behaviour comes up faster than money or spare bedrooms. What if a child screams at me? What if they break something, or refuse to get out of the car outside school? Those are fair questions, and the honest answer is that some days do look like that. Here is what experienced foster carers actually do about it.

Please note: this is general information for people thinking about fostering or new to it, not advice about a particular child. Every child has their own plan, and your supervising social worker is the person to ask about your own situation. Figures and rules here are correct at August 2026. The legal position on punishment in foster care sits in Schedule 5 of the Fostering Services (England) Regulations 2011.

Behaviour is nearly always saying something

A child who arrives at your door with their things in a bag has usually had a terrible few days, and often a terrible few years before that. What looks like defiance is very often fear. A child who hides food under the bed may have gone hungry. A ten year old who kicks off every Sunday evening may be dreading school on Monday, or missing his mum, or both, and has no words for either. The word naughty is not much use to a foster carer. It describes how the behaviour lands on you rather than what is driving it, and it points you towards punishment instead of the cause.

That is why understanding trauma and attachment matters so much in fostering. Once you can see the fear underneath, the shouting stops feeling like a personal attack and starts looking like information you can work with.

What helps in the moment

When something kicks off, your job is smaller than you think. You are not there to win the argument or to make the behaviour stop by force of personality. You are there to keep everyone safe and to stay the calmest person in the room. This is the heart of therapeutic parenting and the PACE approach, and it takes practice.

• Stay calm and keep your voice low and flat. Showing your own anger will snowball the situation.
• Where you safely can, do not react. Avoid the argument, the lecture and the hard eye contact.
• If the behaviour is aimed at another child in the house, ask that child to go into a different room.
• If the child can be left to come down on their own, leave them, and stay near enough to hear.
• Physical intervention belongs in exceptional situations only: to stop someone being hurt or to stop serious damage. It has to be recorded afterwards and reported to your supervising social worker, and it sits under your agency’s written policy.
• If you believe you, your own children or another child are in immediate danger, call 999. Do not sit and hope it passes.

Most of the work happens when everything is calm

Very little of this is done in the middle of a storm. The useful work is the boring work you do on a quiet Tuesday afternoon.

• Learn the child’s triggers, then avoid them where you can and prepare the child well in advance where you cannot.
• Learn the warning signs. Clenched fists, a jaw going tight, a voice climbing: these give you a few minutes to change the direction of the afternoon.
• Use those minutes. Slow breathing, counting to ten, a walk round the block, loud music in their own room, something to do with their hands.
• Keep routines steady and visible. A whiteboard in the kitchen with the week on it does more good than a hundred reminders.
• Give plenty of notice before anything changes, and walk the child through it. That includes seeing their family, which can leave a child unsettled for a day or two either side.
• If mornings are a battle, move the wake up time rather than trying to speed the child up. Giving them a job that only they can do, like feeding the dog, works better than nagging.
• Screens off well before bed, and go easy on fizzy drinks and anything with caffeine in the evening.

House rules, and what a consequence should look like

Set house rules early, keep them short, and let the child help write them. Children stick to rules they had a hand in far more than rules that arrived on a laminated sheet. Explain why each one exists and what happens if it gets broken.

When something does get broken, the consequence should connect to what happened. A child who deliberately smashes a picture frame helps mend it or puts something towards replacing it. That teaches repair. Taking away a phone for a week mostly teaches a child who has already lost their home that adults take things away. Use rewards sparingly too, or they stop meaning much by Wednesday.

There is one line that is not a matter of judgement. Foster carers in England sign an agreement not to administer corporal punishment to any child placed with them. No smacking, ever, under any provocation, and no shouting matches you can dress up as discipline. If you feel your own temper going, that is the moment to step out of the room.

Younger children and teenagers need different things

With a small child mid tantrum, reasoning does not work, because the part of the brain that reasons has gone offline. Get down to their level, tell them you are there, and let the feeling run its course while you stay in the room. Afterwards, a picture book or a drawing will get you further than a conversation about consequences.

Teenagers need close to the opposite. Give them space and privacy, check they are safe, and keep your own breathing steady rather than squaring up. If aggression escalates to the point where you are worried about anyone’s safety, say plainly that you will call the police if it does not stop, then follow through, and ring your supervising social worker or the out of hours number the same evening. Fostering a teenager brings this up more often, which is worth thinking about when you decide the age range you would like to care for.

Write it down, even when it feels like telling tales

Record every incident factually: what led up to it, what the child did, what was said, who was there, and how it ended. Do it the same day, while you still remember the order of things. The point of the notes is the pattern. Three months of them might tell you that the worst evenings all follow a phone call, or all fall on a PE day, and that is the sort of thing that changes a child’s week. Share them with your supervising social worker as you go.

When to bring other people in

Sometimes the tips are not enough, and that is not a failure on your part. Talk to your supervising social worker if the anger is not shifting, if it is well outside what you would expect for the child’s age (very angry tantrums are normal at four, not at fifteen), or if it comes alongside self harm. Together you might decide it is time to ask the child’s GP about proper help to talk things through.

Two numbers worth keeping in your phone: YoungMinds runs a free parents helpline on 0808 802 5544, open Monday to Friday, and Childline is free and confidential for the child themselves on 0800 1111. The NHS also has plain advice on dealing with child behaviour problems.

Your own reaction is part of the picture

A child will say unkind things to you. Almost none of it is about you, and taking it personally is the fastest route to a bad week. When you do lose your patience, which you will, say so afterwards: tell the child how you felt and what you will do differently next time. Watching an adult own a mistake and put the relationship back together may be new information to them.

You won’t have to do this alone

Nobody expects you to arrive knowing how to handle any of this. You will do Skills to Foster training before you are approved and more training on trauma and behaviour after it, and you will have a supervising social worker who knows you and knows the child, plus someone on the phone out of hours when it is nine at night and you need a plan for the morning. Ofsted inspected us in July 2025 and rated us Outstanding in all three judgements.

Foster carers with GLF are paid a fixed weekly fee of £479.50 for a child under 11 and £507.50 for a child aged 11 or over, paid per child while a child is living with you, with an enhanced fee of roughly £100 to £200 a week more where a child needs a higher level of support. One weekly payment covers both the child’s costs and your reward.

Frequently asked questions

Will I be given a child whose behaviour I could not cope with?

We match carefully, and matching is a conversation rather than a phone call telling you a child is on their way. Before a child moves in you should be told what is known about them, including how they behave when they are upset, so you can make a real decision. You can say no. Saying no to a child who is not the right fit for your household is good practice, not a black mark.

What am I actually allowed to do when a child breaks the rules?

You can set clear house rules, explain them, and use consequences that connect to what happened, such as helping to put something right. You cannot use corporal punishment of any kind, and physical intervention is only for preventing injury or serious damage, recorded and reported afterwards. If you are unsure where a line sits, ask your supervising social worker before the situation arises rather than after.

What if a child hits me?

It happens, and it does not mean you have failed. Keep yourself and any other children safe first, step out of the room if you can, and call 999 if anyone is in immediate danger. Report it to your supervising social worker the same day and write down what happened. You will be supported through it, not blamed for it.

Do I need experience with difficult behaviour before I apply?

No. Plenty of our carers came from jobs with nothing to do with children. What matters more is patience and a willingness to learn, and the training covers the rest.