Helping a Foster Child Through Anger: What to Do in the Moment

Most carers remember the first time a child they were looking after properly lost their temper with them. The shouting, the slammed door, the cereal bowl across the kitchen, then the long quiet afterwards while you work out whether you handled it well. Anger is one of the things people worry about most before they start fostering, and one of the things experienced carers talk about least. There is a lot that helps.

Please note: general information, not advice about a particular child or incident. Anything involving the police or recording goes through your supervising social worker and your agency’s policy. Correct at 6 November 2026. The government’s national protocol on reducing criminalisation of looked-after children is the source for the police section below.

Anger is a normal feeling. Where it goes is the problem.

Anger itself is not a fault, and a child who has lost their home and their school has plenty to be angry about. What turns it into a problem is the direction it takes. Our training material sorts it into three: outward, as hitting or throwing; inward, as a child hurting themselves; or sideways, as rudeness and doors closed harder than they need to be. The feeling is information. The behaviour is the bit you work on, and that distinction gives you something honest and kind to say. You can tell a child you understand why they are furious and still tell them they are not putting a hole in the wall.

The trigger is rarely the reason

Something sets it off. The wrong crisps. A no about a sleepover. Being asked to turn the telly off eight minutes earlier than usual. The size of the reaction bears no relation to the size of the trigger, and that is what catches new carers out.

For a child who has been let down repeatedly, a small no can land as proof that adults do what they like. A child who had no say in when they moved will often fight hardest over the one thing they can control, and it is usually something daft. Where that comes from is the long game, and our guide to trauma and attachment in foster care covers it. In the moment, the short version is this: the crisps are not the point.

The ten minutes before

Almost everything that works happens before the shouting starts. Most children give you a run-up if you know what to look for, and that is true of distressed behaviour generally, not only anger.

• Learn the specific triggers, so you can steer round them or give a warning. Hunger, tiredness, a family time visit later that week, the last twenty minutes before school.
• Learn the warning signs. A clenched jaw, fists, a voice going up, or a child going very quiet and very still.
• Have two or three things ready that work for this child rather than children in general: a walk round the block, ten slow breaths counted out with you, loud music through headphones. Keep the ones they use, because a strategy a child picked gets used and one you prescribed does not.
• Say the thing out loud early. “You look like today has been rubbish, do you want twenty minutes upstairs before tea?” is not soft. It is cheaper than the row.

In the moment

Once a child is fully angry, the part of them that weighs up consequences has gone offline, which is why the reasonable explanation you are offering is bouncing straight off. So with younger children, do not try to reason. Get down to their level, keep your voice low and slow, and say you are there when they want you. Stay where you can see they are safe without crowding them, and let the feeling run its course rather than trying to shut it down. The talking comes later, and often works better through drawing than conversation.

With a teenager, space is usually the medicine. If they want to be on their own and they are safe, let them, and resist the urge to follow them upstairs to finish the point. Keep breathing: your heart rate is doing what theirs is doing, and if you tip into fight or flight yourself you have two people in that state instead of one. Shout back and you have taught them that shouting is what adults do when they are stuck.

A child in a rage will say something designed to hurt you, and it is almost never about you. If your own temper is rising and the child is safe to leave for two minutes, leave for two minutes. Walking away to the kettle is a skill.

What you can never do, and what you can

Corporal punishment is prohibited outright. It is written into the foster care agreement every carer signs, under Schedule 5 of the Fostering Services (England) Regulations 2011: “Not to administer corporal punishment to any child placed with the foster parent.” There is no grey area and no provocation that changes it.

Physical help to stay safe is a different thing, and it is narrow. If a child is about to hurt themselves or somebody else, you may use the smallest amount that keeps them safe, for the shortest time it takes. It is a last resort, not a technique to reach for, and the fostering standards put de-escalation first: Standard 3.8 says all foster carers should receive “training in positive care and control of children, including training in de-escalating problems and disputes.”

Then write it down and tell someone, the same day. What happened before it, what the child did, what you did, who else was there. No interpretation, no diagnosis of the child. Your recording protects the child, and if it ever comes to it, you.

The question nobody prepares you for: do you call the police?

This is the decision carers find hardest, usually at eleven at night with a broken door and a child who has gone out. The national guidance on it is clearer than most carers realise.

The national protocol on reducing unnecessary criminalisation of looked-after children and care leavers, published by the government in 2018 and still the standing framework, says “the police should not be used for low-level behaviour management or matters a reasonable parent would not have called the police over”. It expects carers to manage most things at home, and it gives you the test to use at the time: would I have called the police if this were my own child? London has its own version, the pan-London protocol published in March 2021 and refreshed since, covering the Metropolitan Police as well as carers.

Why it matters is in the numbers. The Children’s Commissioner’s report on the criminalisation of children in care, published in November 2025, found that 27 per cent of care-experienced children had a caution or conviction, against 2.2 per cent of those who had never been in care. Nearly half, 4,893 children, had their first contact with the criminal justice system after they came into care rather than before. Common assault and criminal damage under £5,000 both come up about twice as often as for other children. Those are the rows that happen in family homes everywhere and get sorted out at home.

So the position is this. A genuine emergency, where somebody is in real danger, is what 999 is for, and never talk yourself out of it. A smashed plate is not that. If you are unsure, ring your out of hours line first. It is answered by someone who knows the child.

Afterwards is where the learning happens

Nothing you say during a rage sticks. What you say two hours later might.

Once a child is properly calm, and that can be the next day, go back to it together. Not a lecture. What set it off, what it felt like just before, what either of you could try next time. Household rules about anger work better written on the fridge than delivered in the heat of it, and better still if the child helped write them.

Then repair it out loud, including your own part. This is the repair bit of therapeutic parenting and PACE, and it matters more than the rules do. If you did shout, say so, and say what you will try instead. A child who has only ever seen adults deny a row learns something new from watching one get mended.

You won’t have to do this alone

Some anger is beyond what a household can hold alone, and spotting that early is good practice rather than an admission of anything. Talk to your supervising social worker if it is getting worse despite everything you try, or if it comes with a child hurting themselves. The next step is usually the child’s GP and a referral for support with how they are feeling, which our guide on supporting a foster child’s mental health goes into. Two numbers are worth keeping in your phone: the free YoungMinds Parents Helpline on 0808 802 5544, which is explicitly for foster carers and covers any young person up to 25, and Childline on 0800 1111, which is free and never itemised on a phone bill.

With GLF you get a supervising social worker who knows your household, out of hours support for the eleven o’clock moments, and de-escalation training before you need it rather than after. Our page on the support foster carers receive sets out what that looks like week to week. We pay one weekly fee covering the allowance for the child and your reward for the work: £479.50 a week for a child under 11 and £507.50 a week for a child aged 11 or over, per child, for as long as they are with you. Where a child needs more, an enhanced fee adds roughly £100 to £200 a week. Ofsted inspected us in July 2025 and rated us Outstanding in all three judgements.

You do not need to be unshakeable, and you do not need to have got it right last time. If you are wondering whether you could do this, have a chat with us and ask the awkward questions. No pressure, no obligation.

Frequently asked questions

Am I allowed to hold a child who is hitting me?

Only to keep someone safe, for as long as that takes and no longer, and only when nothing else has worked. Corporal punishment is banned outright by the foster care agreement, and physical help is not a behaviour technique. If it happens, write it down the same day and tell your supervising social worker.

Will an incident like this count against me at my annual review?

An honest, well recorded account of a difficult evening is not a black mark. What causes problems at review is an incident nobody was told about.

Should I call the police if a child breaks something?

Almost certainly not. Government guidance expects carers to handle this kind of thing at home and warns against using the police for low-level behaviour, and the test it gives is whether you would have called them for your own child. If somebody is in real danger, ring 999. If you are unsure, ring the out of hours line first.

What if the anger frightens my own children?

Tell your supervising social worker early and plainly. Your own children’s safety, and how they feel about what is happening at home, are a proper part of the conversation rather than a complaint.